[Details have been changed to protect confidentiality]
Building a social network is one of the real challenges of starting over in a new city — all the more in an international move, where so much else has to be learned at the same time. The fortunate part is that many people around you are in the same process: recently arrived, looking for connection, trying to find their place.
So it's no surprise when a client arrives upset because someone significant in their newly built circle has just announced they'll be leaving the country by the end of the year. The news isn't entirely unexpected — in an international city it rarely is — but it still lands like a punch in the gut.
Of course they're happy for them. Or at least they want to be. But the news has brought back two other departures from the previous year: people they had invested in, spent time with, and gradually allowed themselves to depend on.
Their first reaction is not only sadness. It is frustration… Again?
Building a social network in a new country takes a great deal of effort, particularly in the first years. People need to meet others, take initiative, accept invitations, suggest plans and tolerate the awkwardness that sometimes comes with new relationships.
Little by little, some of those connections become meaningful. There is finally someone to call without planning too far ahead, someone who knows what has been happening at work or who can meet for a coffee after a difficult day.
Then that person leaves.
In an international city, relocation is part of the landscape. People come for a course, a contract, a relationship or a particular stage in their career, and many later move elsewhere. This mobility can be exciting, but it also means that social circles may remain unstable for years.
Repeatedly rebuilding them can wear a person down.
“Why put so much energy into another relationship that may disappear in six months?”
After several departures, people may become more cautious about investing in new friendships. Why put so much energy into another relationship that may disappear in six months? That hesitation can protect them from disappointment, but it may also increase their isolation.
The lack of close friendships nearby affects ordinary life in very practical ways. Spontaneous plans become difficult because every meeting has to be organised in advance. There may be people to have dinner with occasionally, but no one to call on a quiet Sunday or ask for help when something goes wrong.
The same can happen professionally, where colleagues move on, and the network that was beginning to offer support or opportunity becomes fragmented.
And back home, relationships do not necessarily fill this gap. Though those connections are still important and loving, distance changes what they can provide.
This combination can bring anxiety, helplessness and a persistent sense of not belonging. The pain is not only about missing a particular person. It is also about the repeated loss of continuity. Each departure removes part of the familiarity they had worked hard to create.
There is no easy answer to this. Living abroad may mean accepting a certain amount of movement and change. But the tiredness is real — and it says more about how many times someone has had to begin again than about any lack of openness or social skill.