---
title: "This is not really me | Clara Solà Niubó"
description: "Living in another country can unsettle identity in ways that are difficult to anticipate. Feeling less capable, less articulate or less yourself does not mean your former self has disappeared."
source: https://therapyinenglish.barcelona/reflections/this-is-not-really-me/
---

# This is not really me

1 August 2026  Clara Solà Niubó

![A woman's eyes reflected in the rear-view mirror of a car](/uploads/reflections-this-is-not-really-me.jpg)

A client recently described the distance between the person she has always understood herself to be and the person she seems to have become since moving abroad.

She had always done well. She was a strong student, worked hard, faced difficulties directly and usually found a way through them. Being capable was not only something she did; it was part of how she knew herself.

Now, her life is shaped by administrative obstacles, uncertainty about her residency, difficulty finding a stable place to live and the loss of a job. Things that once seemed manageable have accumulated, and the usual strategy of trying harder no longer seems to produce results.

“This is not really me,” she said.

It is a feeling I often hear from international clients, although it may appear in different forms. Some feel quieter than they used to be, less spontaneous or less funny because they are speaking in another language. Others feel less confident professionally, more dependent on people they barely know, or strangely invisible in a society where their history and achievements are not immediately recognised.

Living in another country can unsettle identity in ways that are difficult to anticipate.

> “Part of who we are is supported by our context: the language in which we can express ourselves fully, the people who remember our past, the work we know how to do…”

Part of who we are is supported by our context: the language in which we can express ourselves fully, the people who remember our past, the work we know how to do, the social codes we understand without thinking and the places where we know how things function.

When much of that disappears at once, people may not feel like themselves.

Someone who was articulate may become hesitant. Someone who was independent may need help with basic procedures. Someone who had status in their profession may find that qualifications are not recognised or that they have to begin again in a more junior position.

The absence of family, long-term friends and familiar places also matters. These relationships do more than offer company. They reflect parts of us back to ourselves. They remember earlier versions of who we were and help create a sense of continuity between past and present.

Without them nearby, identity can feel less solid.

Cultural differences add another layer. Behaviours that once felt natural may be misunderstood. Ways of speaking, showing warmth, disagreeing or asking for help may not work in the same way. A person can start monitoring themselves more closely and gradually become less free in how they relate to others.

Of course, moving abroad also changes people in meaningful and positive ways. It can bring independence, flexibility and new possibilities. But this does not mean that every change feels chosen.

Sometimes the person they become here is more cautious, more tired or less certain than the person they remember being at home.

That does not necessarily mean their former self has disappeared. It may mean that the conditions that allowed that self to appear are no longer present, at least for now.

Part of adapting to life abroad is not only discovering who they can become here, but finding ways to remain connected to the parts of themselves they do not want to lose.